The Rezwana-due

So a couple weeks back, a prof from campus worked out a side project with my boss, and decided to send one of his masters students down to our lab for awhile. It's kind of a part-time thing where some work will be done on campus and some in our lab.
Anyway, her name is Rezwana.
And she is fucking terrible.

I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of character, and when my boss said to me after Rezwana's first day, "I think she'll work out just fine" I had some serious, serious doubts.

She's roughly forty I'd say, has some sort of background in food sciences, has at least two sons, and is short and fat. And fucking terrible.

First of all I noticed that she seemed baffled by the concept of a lab book. And it's showing right now, since she has very few records of the work she's done at our lab. Needless to say, my boss and I just shake our heads.

She's utterly useless without my boss holding her hand through ever step of this project, which is supposed to be handled primarily be Rezwana and the prof on campus. And if my boss isn't around for any period of time, she literally sits there doing nothing, or maybe she'll check her emails or something. Utterly useless.

She also just wanders around aimlessly if she's confused, rather than ask where something is, or how to use a particular piece of equipment. Plus she seems to be flat out stupid. Today she struggled with the lid of a bucket for about five minutes before asking me to help her open it. Turns out it had a locking mechanism (in blatantly clear view of anyone using said bucket) and I opened the fucker in about 3 seconds. What a goon.

And then there's the language barrier which is pretty rough with this one. Not exactly her fault, but still.

But worst of all is the smell.
Imagine garbage water mixed with some sort of terrible middle-eastern food, mixed with a soiled diaper and sour milk.
I felt bad saying anything to my boss until she said to me last week at lunch "Boy you really notice it when Rezwana's in the lab don't you". I laughed my ass off and we've joked about it since.
But it's not really that funny when she puts her stank-assed parka on top of my coat, leaving it unwearable before being washed again.

Honestly how do you handle smelling that bad? She just emanates this terrible stink all day long, and it fills the lab.
How did anyone decide to marry or fuck you? Shit.


I have an associate, more like a friend of a friend, who's name is Reza. Good guy, but he smells like crap too. A buddy of mine has labelled the stink "The Reza-due". Hence my name for the new stink, the Rezwana-due. (Aren't we clever??)

On top of all of this, she seems to feel that my desk is her place to set up shop all the fucking time. She has her own desk, but the odd time she needs to use my computer. But rather than use it and leave, she establishes herself there for hours on end. Get the fuck out of my chair!

And lately she's been claiming some sort of bizarre illness, though we've seen no symptoms at all. Apparently she's debating whether or not she wants to go back to her home country. I have my suspicions that she's in way above her head and needs a serious excuse to bail out of this whole "education" thing.

My boss is also getting pissed that Rezwana constantly wants a lift to an from campus, which is maybe a 10-15 minute walk of a 5 minute bus ride. Get a grip woman, normal people have to walk and ride the bus sometimes. Pull you shit together.


Today I said to my boss, "I think she really got you off your game, didn't she."
She responded with an emphatic "That's an understatement."

I wish it was Rezwana's birthday tomorrow.
I would buy her the following things:

1. Deodorant
2. Perfume
3. A plane ticket home