Haven't updated in a bit, gotta get on that more often...
This past weekend I got ridiculously drunk on Friday night, said some stupid things, danced to Katy Perry. Good times.
Then headed to TO for my step-mom's 55th at a fancy restaurant on Saturday night. Scaramouche. Interestingly, after the dinner I was watching sports highlights with the old man, and I saw the commercial for that new ap for the iPhone, the "dinner shuffle" or whatever.
And guess what came up on the first shuffle?!?! Why it was that very restaurant, Scaramouche. Weird...
I got to hold my niece for the first time that night. She's dead weight mostly. And she sleeps alot, which is boring.
Someone at the restaurant was also having a bday party, and one awkward woman sang "Happy Birthday"... only the lyrics were all wrong. In fact, it wasn't even the happy birthday song.
She just kept singing "Happy Birthday... Happy Birthday.... Happy Birthday!" Fucking bizarre.
This Monday I got all fancied up in my brand new lab coat in the Ivey atrium on campus for a set of speeches and a photoshoot. Unfortunately my lab coat was a XS in size, so I couldn't even do the pig up.
Tony Clement was announcing a $5 Million investment for a new partnership between Ivey and Health Sci. I had to clap and smile and run our cool machine and pretend to be happy I was there. Davenport was all fuckin smiles.
It was actually really good exposure for our little company, which only bodes well for my job security and the possibility of a raise. Mint that. My boss was even in a pic in the London Free Press with the "honourable" Mr. Clement.
What else is new...
The Pope has lost his fucking mind.
Our Science Minister kinda sorta thinks that God lives in mini-microscopic particles.
And Barack "El Duderino" Obama speaks in public as if he's having beers with buddies:
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
The Rezwana-due
So a couple weeks back, a prof from campus worked out a side project with my boss, and decided to send one of his masters students down to our lab for awhile. It's kind of a part-time thing where some work will be done on campus and some in our lab.
Anyway, her name is Rezwana.
And she is fucking terrible.
I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of character, and when my boss said to me after Rezwana's first day, "I think she'll work out just fine" I had some serious, serious doubts.
She's roughly forty I'd say, has some sort of background in food sciences, has at least two sons, and is short and fat. And fucking terrible.
First of all I noticed that she seemed baffled by the concept of a lab book. And it's showing right now, since she has very few records of the work she's done at our lab. Needless to say, my boss and I just shake our heads.
She's utterly useless without my boss holding her hand through ever step of this project, which is supposed to be handled primarily be Rezwana and the prof on campus. And if my boss isn't around for any period of time, she literally sits there doing nothing, or maybe she'll check her emails or something. Utterly useless.
She also just wanders around aimlessly if she's confused, rather than ask where something is, or how to use a particular piece of equipment. Plus she seems to be flat out stupid. Today she struggled with the lid of a bucket for about five minutes before asking me to help her open it. Turns out it had a locking mechanism (in blatantly clear view of anyone using said bucket) and I opened the fucker in about 3 seconds. What a goon.
And then there's the language barrier which is pretty rough with this one. Not exactly her fault, but still.
But worst of all is the smell.
Imagine garbage water mixed with some sort of terrible middle-eastern food, mixed with a soiled diaper and sour milk.
I felt bad saying anything to my boss until she said to me last week at lunch "Boy you really notice it when Rezwana's in the lab don't you". I laughed my ass off and we've joked about it since.
But it's not really that funny when she puts her stank-assed parka on top of my coat, leaving it unwearable before being washed again.
Honestly how do you handle smelling that bad? She just emanates this terrible stink all day long, and it fills the lab.
How did anyone decide to marry or fuck you? Shit.
I have an associate, more like a friend of a friend, who's name is Reza. Good guy, but he smells like crap too. A buddy of mine has labelled the stink "The Reza-due". Hence my name for the new stink, the Rezwana-due. (Aren't we clever??)
On top of all of this, she seems to feel that my desk is her place to set up shop all the fucking time. She has her own desk, but the odd time she needs to use my computer. But rather than use it and leave, she establishes herself there for hours on end. Get the fuck out of my chair!
And lately she's been claiming some sort of bizarre illness, though we've seen no symptoms at all. Apparently she's debating whether or not she wants to go back to her home country. I have my suspicions that she's in way above her head and needs a serious excuse to bail out of this whole "education" thing.
My boss is also getting pissed that Rezwana constantly wants a lift to an from campus, which is maybe a 10-15 minute walk of a 5 minute bus ride. Get a grip woman, normal people have to walk and ride the bus sometimes. Pull you shit together.
Today I said to my boss, "I think she really got you off your game, didn't she."
She responded with an emphatic "That's an understatement."
I wish it was Rezwana's birthday tomorrow.
I would buy her the following things:
Anyway, her name is Rezwana.
And she is fucking terrible.
I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of character, and when my boss said to me after Rezwana's first day, "I think she'll work out just fine" I had some serious, serious doubts.
She's roughly forty I'd say, has some sort of background in food sciences, has at least two sons, and is short and fat. And fucking terrible.
First of all I noticed that she seemed baffled by the concept of a lab book. And it's showing right now, since she has very few records of the work she's done at our lab. Needless to say, my boss and I just shake our heads.
She's utterly useless without my boss holding her hand through ever step of this project, which is supposed to be handled primarily be Rezwana and the prof on campus. And if my boss isn't around for any period of time, she literally sits there doing nothing, or maybe she'll check her emails or something. Utterly useless.
She also just wanders around aimlessly if she's confused, rather than ask where something is, or how to use a particular piece of equipment. Plus she seems to be flat out stupid. Today she struggled with the lid of a bucket for about five minutes before asking me to help her open it. Turns out it had a locking mechanism (in blatantly clear view of anyone using said bucket) and I opened the fucker in about 3 seconds. What a goon.
And then there's the language barrier which is pretty rough with this one. Not exactly her fault, but still.
But worst of all is the smell.
Imagine garbage water mixed with some sort of terrible middle-eastern food, mixed with a soiled diaper and sour milk.
I felt bad saying anything to my boss until she said to me last week at lunch "Boy you really notice it when Rezwana's in the lab don't you". I laughed my ass off and we've joked about it since.
But it's not really that funny when she puts her stank-assed parka on top of my coat, leaving it unwearable before being washed again.
Honestly how do you handle smelling that bad? She just emanates this terrible stink all day long, and it fills the lab.
How did anyone decide to marry or fuck you? Shit.
I have an associate, more like a friend of a friend, who's name is Reza. Good guy, but he smells like crap too. A buddy of mine has labelled the stink "The Reza-due". Hence my name for the new stink, the Rezwana-due. (Aren't we clever??)
On top of all of this, she seems to feel that my desk is her place to set up shop all the fucking time. She has her own desk, but the odd time she needs to use my computer. But rather than use it and leave, she establishes herself there for hours on end. Get the fuck out of my chair!
And lately she's been claiming some sort of bizarre illness, though we've seen no symptoms at all. Apparently she's debating whether or not she wants to go back to her home country. I have my suspicions that she's in way above her head and needs a serious excuse to bail out of this whole "education" thing.
My boss is also getting pissed that Rezwana constantly wants a lift to an from campus, which is maybe a 10-15 minute walk of a 5 minute bus ride. Get a grip woman, normal people have to walk and ride the bus sometimes. Pull you shit together.
Today I said to my boss, "I think she really got you off your game, didn't she."
She responded with an emphatic "That's an understatement."
I wish it was Rezwana's birthday tomorrow.
I would buy her the following things:
- Deodorant
- Perfume
- A plane ticket home
Monday, March 16, 2009
Fullstride wristshot from halfcourt with a cigar hanging outta my mouth...
This past weekend was a pretty solid one. Best in awhile actually, and it's definitely got something to do with the weather switching from pure shite to tolerable.
Sunday was actually a t-shirt-on-the-patio day. We rocked a couple of Caesars, but they weren't all that great. I can make a solid Caesar, and I kinda wanted to jump behind the bar to make my own. Get some skills, honestly.
Friday night started with my friend Em and I scoping out costumes for a 5-person flip cup team that we were putting into a tournament that evening.
We were pretty much stuck for any ideas regarding a team name, or even costume ideas period, but as soon as we walked into the Goodwill, I had a mad brainstorm.
After seeing the large rack of bright pink women's shirts, I decided that we should have four of us dress in pink and one in brown, for the epic team name of "4 in the Pink, 1 in the Stink"
I even found a wickedly terrible sweater made by "The Helen Keller Foundation of Jerusalem". Obviously I was geared up to wear that one.
Needless to say Em was not so pumped for that idea. And after several phone calls to other team members, and a change of venue to the ol' Value Villiage, my idea was deemed "too offensive" and officially murdered.
But another look down the women's shirt aisle gave me another brainstorm. We scoped out the most horrific looking women's turtlenecks and declared ourselves "Team Foreskin". Em got a nice rose-covered one, I got a pretty little number covered in turquiose flower-like things, Jmath ended up with the white and red snowflake look, we got Kris got a disgusting purple POS, and Ty was forced to wear a nice white one covered in candycanes and xmas gifts. Even had little penguins and snowmen on the cuffs and collar...
We looked like complete assholes. James had man-titties, since his shirt was so damn tight, and I actually looked somewhat like a tranny. Not flattering.
And this party was being hosted by people that we barely know, which was part of the reason Em didn't want the first team name to stand. What a pansy.
Anyway, there were 10 teams in the tourny, and I had very little faith in our abilities. For starters I'm terrible at chugging beer, so I had to rock the one thing that I can chug - red wine. I started out with a nice 13.5% Merlot and ened up on some terrible mixed bag of "house wine", whatever the fuck that means. Thank god that crap was only 7%.
Add to that James' terrible flipping skills, and the fact that we had two girls on our team (no offense), and I thought we were going to get killed for sure.
Turns out we made it all the way to the finals! I nearly puked in the semi's, but held 'er together. So after losing the first game of the best-of-five finals, we won two and were a shoe-in for the trophy. But that was the point at which Em decided to fall apart at the seams and start taking 3 decades to flip her cup. So we ended up losing, but it was a close second. And I was probably the drunkest asshole in the place, courtesy of my poorly chosen beverage.
In fact, at the bar afterwards, I was chatting up one of the girls who beat us in the finals, and used the line "your sister is cuter than you." I dont really remember saying that, but apparently she made me repeat myself, probably because she couldn't believe that anyone would be stupid enough to say something like that... then she walked away angrily.
Fastfoward to 10 a.m. Saturday morning and envision James and I crushing Caesars... I followed that with a nap, only to wake up around 1 for some catch out in the yard with the boys.
That led to garbage can ballhockey in the street, which is apparently a ridiculously busy little road these days. Who knew? We had a good go of it though, and Baldy and I scored a few mint goals to take the title (unofficially of course, those other hosers would never admit defeat).
We all dressed up in our St Patty's day uniforms, and went to Molly's for the night. We got nice and wasted, but there wasn't any green beer at all. I guess they're saving it for tomorrow.
The night was semi-filled with stupidity and drama with friends. But we had a great time.
I dropped yet another gem of a line a girl - "Your abs are cushy", after poking her in the belly. Not cool apparetnly, but I honestly thought she'd laugh her ass off at me when I said it. Girls are too worried about that kind of thing, she has a fine body. Fiiiiiiiiiine. hahaha
Anyway I bought her a drink and offered to take her to McDonalds to prove to her that she needed to actually put on some weight. So I hope I did reasonably well to recover, she's a really cool girl.
I grabbed an entire pizza from Georgio's for $20 flat, which soon became the envy of everyone in the street outside. The girl even had to ask her manager if she could sell me an entire pizza, which was funny in itself. I just pointed and said "gimme that whole thing right there".
Ended up passing out on Em's livingroom floor that night.
Didn't get much sleep through the weekend, so I'm pretty spent. It'll probably be an early night tonight.
This week looks busy, both at work and in the evenings, so hopefully it goes by fast in the lab and slow in the nights. I'm actually debating whether or not I wanna hit the road for a jog right now. Unfortunately my legs are sore as hell from ballhockey, so I'll probably just loaf around.
Fuck I'm outta shape.
Sunday was actually a t-shirt-on-the-patio day. We rocked a couple of Caesars, but they weren't all that great. I can make a solid Caesar, and I kinda wanted to jump behind the bar to make my own. Get some skills, honestly.
Friday night started with my friend Em and I scoping out costumes for a 5-person flip cup team that we were putting into a tournament that evening.
We were pretty much stuck for any ideas regarding a team name, or even costume ideas period, but as soon as we walked into the Goodwill, I had a mad brainstorm.
After seeing the large rack of bright pink women's shirts, I decided that we should have four of us dress in pink and one in brown, for the epic team name of "4 in the Pink, 1 in the Stink"
I even found a wickedly terrible sweater made by "The Helen Keller Foundation of Jerusalem". Obviously I was geared up to wear that one.
Needless to say Em was not so pumped for that idea. And after several phone calls to other team members, and a change of venue to the ol' Value Villiage, my idea was deemed "too offensive" and officially murdered.
But another look down the women's shirt aisle gave me another brainstorm. We scoped out the most horrific looking women's turtlenecks and declared ourselves "Team Foreskin". Em got a nice rose-covered one, I got a pretty little number covered in turquiose flower-like things, Jmath ended up with the white and red snowflake look, we got Kris got a disgusting purple POS, and Ty was forced to wear a nice white one covered in candycanes and xmas gifts. Even had little penguins and snowmen on the cuffs and collar...
We looked like complete assholes. James had man-titties, since his shirt was so damn tight, and I actually looked somewhat like a tranny. Not flattering.
And this party was being hosted by people that we barely know, which was part of the reason Em didn't want the first team name to stand. What a pansy.
Anyway, there were 10 teams in the tourny, and I had very little faith in our abilities. For starters I'm terrible at chugging beer, so I had to rock the one thing that I can chug - red wine. I started out with a nice 13.5% Merlot and ened up on some terrible mixed bag of "house wine", whatever the fuck that means. Thank god that crap was only 7%.
Add to that James' terrible flipping skills, and the fact that we had two girls on our team (no offense), and I thought we were going to get killed for sure.
Turns out we made it all the way to the finals! I nearly puked in the semi's, but held 'er together. So after losing the first game of the best-of-five finals, we won two and were a shoe-in for the trophy. But that was the point at which Em decided to fall apart at the seams and start taking 3 decades to flip her cup. So we ended up losing, but it was a close second. And I was probably the drunkest asshole in the place, courtesy of my poorly chosen beverage.
In fact, at the bar afterwards, I was chatting up one of the girls who beat us in the finals, and used the line "your sister is cuter than you." I dont really remember saying that, but apparently she made me repeat myself, probably because she couldn't believe that anyone would be stupid enough to say something like that... then she walked away angrily.
Fastfoward to 10 a.m. Saturday morning and envision James and I crushing Caesars... I followed that with a nap, only to wake up around 1 for some catch out in the yard with the boys.
That led to garbage can ballhockey in the street, which is apparently a ridiculously busy little road these days. Who knew? We had a good go of it though, and Baldy and I scored a few mint goals to take the title (unofficially of course, those other hosers would never admit defeat).
We all dressed up in our St Patty's day uniforms, and went to Molly's for the night. We got nice and wasted, but there wasn't any green beer at all. I guess they're saving it for tomorrow.
The night was semi-filled with stupidity and drama with friends. But we had a great time.
I dropped yet another gem of a line a girl - "Your abs are cushy", after poking her in the belly. Not cool apparetnly, but I honestly thought she'd laugh her ass off at me when I said it. Girls are too worried about that kind of thing, she has a fine body. Fiiiiiiiiiine. hahaha
Anyway I bought her a drink and offered to take her to McDonalds to prove to her that she needed to actually put on some weight. So I hope I did reasonably well to recover, she's a really cool girl.
I grabbed an entire pizza from Georgio's for $20 flat, which soon became the envy of everyone in the street outside. The girl even had to ask her manager if she could sell me an entire pizza, which was funny in itself. I just pointed and said "gimme that whole thing right there".
Ended up passing out on Em's livingroom floor that night.
Didn't get much sleep through the weekend, so I'm pretty spent. It'll probably be an early night tonight.
This week looks busy, both at work and in the evenings, so hopefully it goes by fast in the lab and slow in the nights. I'm actually debating whether or not I wanna hit the road for a jog right now. Unfortunately my legs are sore as hell from ballhockey, so I'll probably just loaf around.
Fuck I'm outta shape.
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