Worth a laugh...

Dennis Leary has some competition on the claim to "Best Asshole Song"

Check out this video.

There's something so poetic about smashing a half-filled bottle of Jack Daniels Old No. 7, don't ya think??

Tonight Steve and I watched Cast Away on TV cuz it's exam season and we just said "no dice" to studying for the evening.
I've always liked that movie. Kinda long and boring in parts, but rarely does a movie put you in that place where you really say to yourself, "What the fuck would I do in his shoes?"

I find the survival stuff pretty cool; I think it would be neat to be stuck like that and have to make do with what you have. A rough life, but I'm sure it would have it's rewards. Like insanity and starvation and things like that!

But the more poignant part of the movie is the end, when he's finally discovered and has to re-enter society as a normal person after years of isolation.

So Steve-o and I started thinking to ourselves how tough that would be. Just imagine coming home to friends and family that had forgotten and buried you; to nonexistent bank accounts and no place to live; to all of the comforts of life like a warm bed and running water. The world would've gone forward as you had resorted to basic human drives like an animal, just to survive. Just imagine that devastation...


So here's my list, in order, of things I would do after 4 years of life on a solitary island:

as soon as I get rescued...

1) Have a 2 hour shower
2) Shave
3) Have a ridiculous feast of all the finest foods around
4) Get a haircut
5) Get laid by the first good-looking girl I see
6) Get totally wasted and smash a bottle of JD out of pure frustration

as soon as I get home...

7) Go to the girl I love and apologize for every last mistake I ever made... and hopefully get laid, or at least have a passionate make-out session
8) Go home to my family
9) Check out my grave and see what's engraved on my headstone
10) Discover that it reads, "Here lies Travis Brooke-Bisschop, Son, Brother, Drunkard, etc. etc..." "Beloved by ALL who were ever graced by his presence!"
11) Ridicule my brother for not insisting it read "Noticeable Minto" in addition to the aforementioned quote.
12) Listen to my favourite CDs for hours on end
13) Get ahold of all of my friends and throw a party in celebration of my return
14) Get totally wasted and smash a bottle of JD out of pure frustration (again)

boring things to follow...

15) Find an apartment and settle in (hopefully someone kept all of my shit in storage or something)
16) Get laid as much as possible
17) Get a job and struggle like crazy to pretend that I'm not totally warped from the whole experience

and last but not least...

18) NEVER take another day for granted

I'm sure there's a multitude of things I left out of that list, but at least it's a good start.

Get down with the sickness

Someday you are going to kill me, you fuckers.

Maybe not directly with a crafty murder or anything of the sort, but with the weapons you create that you can't even see. Of course, I'm talking about the viruses an bacteria and shit that you disease-ridden assholes are carrying around as we speak.

See, I got sick last weekend for all of a day and a half. And there's good reason I'm not still sick at this very moment; it's because my immune system is a well-oiled-machine and I
don't.
take.
drugs.
(medicinal drugs anyway)

As an interesting sidenote, I find that I can never feel the effects of caffeine in my body. I can feel alcohol, THC, nicotine, and the like, but for some reason coffee and Coke just don't affect me. It never seems to wake me up when I drink the shit; maybe I'm immune to it or something. Or maybe I'm just an idiot.

So back to the main point about medicine...
As most of my friends know, I am completely unable to swallow pills of any size or shape. I can swallow candy, or even a big chunk of ice if I wanted to, but not pills. I think my old man tried to force me once as a child and since then I've had a mental block or something. Thankfully I'm not a chick, cuz birth control pills would be of little use to me, and I'd likely be changing diapers in the middle of the night on a regular basis. Regardless, so long as I know it's a drug that isn't natural in my body, I won't be able to get it in my gullet without a fight. (i.e. mashing it up in apple sauce or something)

Come to think of it, in the past 10 years I bet I haven't taken a dozen Tylenols or Aspirins, and for my wisdom teeth I took liquid codeine for the ridiculous pain. Beyond those, and the occasional Neocitron in cold season, I don't take anything at all.
And for the better part of those 10 years I've been just fucking peachy.

Then we get to the average Joe, who doesn't necessarily pop pills for every little ailment, but still uses them. (You're probably an average Joe)
I'm willing to bet that you get more headaches than I do, and not cuz you're prone to them naturally. I bet your aches and pains are worse than mine, even with the same injuries inflicted. And I bet you've probably fucked up when using an antibiotic in your day - a dangerous thing to do.

There's a reason you're supposed to finish the bottle, not just quit taking the pills when you start feeling better. It's because if you don't kill every last one of the bastardly little mothers inside of you, they're gonna come back with stronger defenses the next time around.

See, if you let your body do its own thing, it's like taking your immune system to the gym on a regular basis and getting it good and powerful.
Taking drugs is like handing a skinny little white dude a gun and claiming that he's just as well off as the buff dude who happens to be a strong immune system.
But once the beanpole runs out of bullets, he's royally fucked. Slapping won't take down the enemy, especially an enemy that has taken a few bullets and lived to fight another day.


To quote George Carlin, "...and nevermind ordinary germs, what are you gonna do when some super-virus comes along that turns your vital organs into liquid shit? I'll tell you what you're gonna do... You're gonna get sick, you're gonna die, and you're gonna deserve it cuz you're fuckin' weak and you've got a fuckin' weak immune system!"

Well said Mr. Conductor, well said indeed.

And odds are that stronger bug is gonna come knocking on humanity's door ready to fuck some shit up. Even the immune system with moves as vicious as Steven Segal won't be able to compete. And we're gonna be fucked.

A few words come to mind... "Bird Flu", "SARS", "West Nile"
We're playing with blowtorches in a fireworks factory built on an oilfield.

And when I'm on my deathbed I'm gonna curse every last irresponsible and weak fucker who put me there.

Pricks.

I Miss New Wave