My very own 'Dear John' letter

Dear John,

I've only known you a short while and I already know you're a huge douchebag. The first day I worked with you I thought you were an alright guy, maybe a little too happy for our line of work, but I thought you'd get the hang of things and settle into our way of life. Boy howdy was I wrong!

Now, I know you've worked for a similar company in the past, but you frankly know fuck-all about what we do. It's good to ask questions and to learn, but it is not good to question your superiors and challenge their way of doing things. The fact is you are a prawn to their shark in the food chain, and unless you shut the fuck up, you might just get bitten. Even by a little seabass, such as myself.

It doesn't help that your wife is the breadwinner in your house - this just leads you to the line of thinking that you shouldn't have to work as hard as we do or do things the "hard way", cuz in reality you don't need the money. Well guess what, we do need the money, and if the world was a fair place you'd be the one slaving all day while we all went home to our rich wives and huge houses on waterfront properties. Speaking of this, why do you feel the need to call the harder-working guys "lazy" while we all know that you are the laziest fucker of the group? Sure, the grizzled vets might need to take it easy once in awhile, but they've earned it and you haven't. So deal with it.

Then there's your talk about the girls and women we see while we're working... arguably the most irritating trait you have. You seem to think that every single woman in the world wants you and only you. Guess what - you're about 50 with thinning grey hair and a weathered face. When the girls stop to look, honk, wave, or yell at us they're not fucking doing these things for you! I'm the only one around who's remotely the same age as these females, and you still think they're eyeing you up! You say things like, "You get the ugly one" when two girls walk by, or, "Someday I'll get you to look at the girls" when I choose to ignore your stupid remarks. Unlike you, I don't feel the need to prove my manliness at every fucking moment of the day, and I certainly don't feel the need to prove anything to you.

Which brings me to my next point - despite how much of a pig you are towards women, and how manly you think you are, your homosexual tendencies make us very uncomfortable. You do more gay things than the rest of us combined, but you seem to be blissfully ignorant of your actions. Now I'm not against gays, but why the fuck do you cross your legs on a hot day at a public BBQ? It's hot as fuck out and the rest of us are doing our best cowboy walks to air out our boys, but you sit there like a lady at a cocktail party. I'm just waiting for you to start bobbing your leg up and down, and I just might snap. And why do you put both of your feet up on the dashboard as we're coasting down the road while I drive? What the fuck is that all about? And why do you wave your hand like it's a dead fish when you're telling someone how far to back up in a truck? None of us try to do this in a manly way, but you should really start trying. It's embarrassing.

On top of that, you're a straight up pussy. You hurt yourself, and I see the look on your face, and I can't help thinking 'my god, he's about to cry!'. You cut your finger and say "ow!" and bitch, while the rest of us say "fuck!" and then promptly shut up about the incident. And if someone does have a small injury or something, don't flip the fuck out! Shit happens, we'll survive. Oh, and sometimes safety doesn't come first in our daily routine, please accept that.
I also remember the very first day you were on the job, you asked me where we kept the hand cleaner, and I just gave you a weird look and said, "What the fuck is that?". Our job is filthy, you're going to get dirty so I suggest you stop being such a crybaby. You've covered all the upholstery in your car with sheets anyway, so what does it matter if your hands are dirty? Maybe you can't suck on your thumb or something, and that's why you get so upset. I don't know for sure - I'm not a pediatrician.
I can tell by the way you talk about your son that he's already following in daddy's footsteps. I hope he doesn't end up like you.

Maybe you're a homophobe or something like that. (That would explain your mindset vs. actions paradox. After all, I hear that's a good clue that someone might actually be gay, but can't accept it.)

The following is a list of things that also piss me off:

- stop shouting in my goddamn ear when you're two feet away -- I can hear you.
- don't constantly question my judgments -- I may be 30 yrs younger than you, but I know much more than you do and I know the way things work. So trust me when I tell you to do something.
- stop telling me the same stories 3 times in a day, then twice the next goddamn day -- it's boring.
- don't pout when you get yelled at for being an idiot -- nobody respects that kind of shit.
- you don't always have to be in the middle of everything -- sometimes we want to dig a hole without you grabbing the fucking shovel out of our hands.
- stop saying that everything we do is "Fucking perfect! I mean you can't get any better than that!" -- we slap shit together and fuck up sometimes. You can't just say everything's OK and then it'll be OK, we might need to re-do the job.
- don't start doing things without first checking with someone who knows the skinny -- you fuck up far too often.
- you say that you'll work in any weather or heat, but not in the rain. Then we get a hot day and you bitch about that too -- just admit it, you don't want to work at all.
- don't call a communal truck "My truck" after a week on the job -- it makes employers want to fire you.
- stop stating the brutally obvious, such as "It's going to get hot, now that the sun is out" -- no shit you stupid goon, the sun tends to heat things up a bit.
- stop pissing and moaning about other guys being in a bad mood -- you are the reason they're grumpy, you're just too stupid to see that. So shut the fuck up and they might be easier to work with; easier for both you and me.
- you eat like a fucking starving baboon -- get some manners you prick.
- I don't care about your boat -- as far as I'm concerned you can shove it up your ass with the prop spinning full blast.

And stop saying "yummy mummy" you idiot. Good-looking women think you're a plug and the sight of you makes them want to puke their guts out until they have dry heaves.


Regards,

MINTVIS