1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20520
Education & Experience
1. Law Enforcement
- I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver’s license suspended for 30 days.
- My Texas driving record has been “lost” and is not available.
2. Military
- I joined the Texas Air National Guard and then went AWOL.
- I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use.
- By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.
3. College
- I graduated from Yale University with a low C average.
- I was a cheerleader.
4. Past Work Experience
- I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.
- I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas , in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn’t find any oil in Texas . The company went bankrupt shortly after. I sold all my stock.
- I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.
- With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry, including Enron CEO Ken Lay, I was elected governor of Texas.
Accomplishments As Governor Of Texas
- I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union.
- During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.
- I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
- I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.
- With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father’s appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.
Accomplishments As President Of The United States
- I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
- I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.
- I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
- In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.
- I’m proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My “poorest millionaire,”Condoleeza Rice, had a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
- I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.
- I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.
- My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.
- My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision. I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution.
- More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than hasbeen spent investigating one of the biggest corporate crimes in history.
- I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.
- I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history. I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
- I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in U.S. history.
- I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the historyof the United States government.
- I’ve broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.
- I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
- I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
- I refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. “prisoners of war” detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
- I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. elections).
- I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.
- I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
- I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World TradeCenter attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
- I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.
- I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation.
- I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community.
- I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families-in-wartime.
- In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
- I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
- I am supporting the development of a nuclear “Tactical Bunker Buster,” a WMD.
- I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.
Records & References
- All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father’s library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
- All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
- All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
(Who else could write such brilliance?)
For a little more comedy, check this out.
(h/t to Findlay)
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